Keys To Relationship Success

The success of a committed relationship depends a lot on how much self-knowledge both parties have. And, as well, how much they really know about each other. Self-knowledge is important, if we are to avoid the confusion and pain that often accompanies relationships. Most relationships start out great, but then run into trouble.

Couples experience this “trouble” as ongoing conflict and disappointment.  Conflict that causes pain, anger and confusion.  Close and courageous inspection often reveals that our pain, anger and confusion feels strangely familiar.  It can seem as if our companion was sent to us by a central casting agent from Hollywood, sent to provoke our wounds and assault our sensibilities like no one else could do. And we often don’t see that we do the same for them.

The fact is that we’re all unconsciously starring in our family of origin based movie–until and unless we become aware of it. And so we cast our partner in our movie, and we star in theirs. Such is relationship life lived without awareness.

A committed relationship is only as good as its ability to accurately see and communicate with itself. Good intentions are not enough–we have to learn how to see ourselves and our partner accurately. To do this we need self-knowledge and the awareness it brings.

Think of it this way: Even when our parents and other significant figures from our past are not physically present, they exist in our mind as powerful psychological figures. And their existence can blur our vision so that we cannot see our partner accurately.

When we seem to be in a room alone with our companion, we’re often not. The room is often populated with psychologically important individuals from our past. This is especially so if we have unfinished business with members of our biological family (most of us do).

A committed relationship is the only other 24/7 compulsory relationship we’re in–other than the one we experienced in our family of origin  As a consequence, the unfinished business we had in our family tends to leak into our marriages, big time. When we’re in conflict, our mind can’t easily distinguish the past from the present.

We can even make marriage choices for the wrong reasons. We can, for example, be drawn to a relationship in order to finish the business in our family and/ or to stay in territory that is familiar to us. If we grew up in a family where we didn’t get love and respect, for example, we might find a spouse who is incapable or unwilling to give us love and respect.

In truth, we rarely see what is outside of us clearly. We see, rather, our mind’s version of what is “out there.” In truth, we often imagine our partner more than we perceive him or her. If our imaginal/perceptual capacity functions under the burden of unresolved problems and wounds from the past–then, quite simply–we don’t see very clearly. This is especially the case in heated conflict situations.

The image we have of our companion comes from two sources: 1) their actual characteristics and 2) our inner image of the “other.” We tend to add our inner image of the other to what we regard as our companion’s characteristics. We project onto them what and who we think that they are. And then we relate to our companion as if they are who we are “seeing.” And this all happens unconsciously. Sound confusing? It is. This psychological dilemma causes many problems and heartache follows.

No surprise that every other marriage ends in divorce or that so many marriages are miserable.

That is why self-knowledge is critical in our relationship. For example, if we know what our “inner image of the other” is, then we are in a better position to correct it or to recognize when we are “adding” it. And if our companion can do the same–then communication becomes much easier. With awareness based communication, a couple can pull the plug on conflict before it heats up into pain and frustration. Then the many compromises and collaborations that are required in successful relationship can become a real possibility.

Such “clear seeing” adds tremendously to the chances for a couple to keep love and friendship alive and to create a marriage that’s alive with adventure and meaning.